I woke up this morning inspired by perfect weather and the remnants of a fun, easy weekend.
Good coffee, healthy breakfast, Internet, and Hall & Oates play-killing each other.
Later will be a phone interview for potential exciting job, yoga, and softball game where I will once again humiliate myself with my lack of coordination and #sports.
Of course there are stressful, no-fun things but I’m banishing them to the back-burner and sitting comfortably in this moment.
Summer in Chicago is my favourite.
Yesterday morning I was perusing Tumblr in bed, sans clothing, when I heard a knock at the front door. Surprise! The carpenters who were supposed to arrive at noon decided to show up 3 hours early.
I threw on a bathrobe and answered the door. I explained to them that I wasn’t ready but they were insistent that they needed to start as soon as possible. I then proceeded to move furniture and valuables around to make room for their work, disheveled and desperately trying to stay…err modest.
They didn’t speak much English and I don’t speak Polish but we both understood that this situation could have been the start of a bad porno.
My voice has been missing ‘round these parts.
Life-changing events have been keeping me silent combined with an ex- boyfriend lurker who after 4+ years and many states between us can’t let shit go. Obsessive-compulsive narcissist is his game and I don’t play it.
My tendency is to keep personal stuff tightly wound, protected in my chest cavity (see above). I’ve been thinking, though, that it’s time to unwind a bit. I’ve invested years into this space and, dammit, I’m going to use it. The tone will be less a dumping ground for quotes, songs and the occasional feminist outcry and more of my own voice and expression. Truth-talking, if you will.
So, here goes…
Since moving to Chicago my career has derailed. The company I moved here for went through a huge acquisition and the upheaval made me realize that it wasn’t a good fit professionally or mentally. I quit and went to another company, then another. The most recent is one I’ve worked for before and love but their present and future is precarious.
I’ve been applying for every social/marketing job in Chicago with very few bites (it’s an impossible market unless you know somebody). I almost had an offer for an ideal position but the company went on a hiring freeze. Monday I have an interview for a position that is a little outside my wheelhouse but I want it. I want to stay in one place, working for this company. I want to take on a challenge. I want to learn and expand my skill-set. I want a salary that matches my experience. I want it all and I want it bad.
Moving On Up
I moved (again) but this time I have a very bearded roommate. He has nice manners and is endlessly kind and patient. He tells dad jokes and has a million hobbies. Did I mention the beard?
The move happened suddenly, rubbing against my independent and emotionally sensitive skin. Despite my discomfort, the end result has settled into good. Good to the point that I’m sure I will sabotage it with my fears and insecurities and tendency to over-analyze everything.
But I cook and I’m fun at parties!
I’ve made many, many excuses for abandoning my art and creative pursuits. First it was moving, then job stress, money stress, moving again, time, the list goes on. The real source is the steady, low hum of depression. And what is my go-to cure for depression? Getting lost in a painting, collage, story, or craft project. Go figure.
This week I’ve been carving out a corner of the guest bedroom for myself. I moved in a drafting table and set up a good lamp. There are tools, a workbench and lots of space in the basement. I opened up dusty art supplies and reveled in the familiar scent of oil paints and charcoal. I threw out old sketchbooks, determined to fill new ones. Paper, canvases, coloured pencils organized and at the ready.
This is the start of something good.
I mentioned before that I want to shift the focus of this blog. To clarify, it won’t be a drastic change (otter, peony and Hall & Oates posts will continue as normal) I’ll just be adding more personal voice to the mix. I’m not sure If I’ll be brave/crazy enough to get too, too personal with y’all but I’m ready for a restart and I hope you’ll stay with me for the ride.