Hello Missing Super Power
You know that four days of your life where important, expensive, necessary for life and future-type things crash simultaneously?
Yeah, that happened.
I’ve been drop-kicked before but I’m resilient. I’ve managed tough stuff, made hard choices, but this one hurt.
It hurt because I realize I lost one of my super powers.
This particular power was an ability to handle whatever was thrown at me with my internal strength.
That’s right, I was Iron-woman strong. I’ve tested this power repeatedly and it has never failed. I could do anything by my force, my will, alone, BRING IT!
But now my super power is freaking broken.
And the truth is my power is not so super.
The truth is I didn’t give myself permission to be angry or cry or fall apart. That’s the kind of strength I had; the strength to hold it all on my shoulders, lock it inside and push through. To be be there as a support for everyone else, but never expect that support in return.
Now I’ve found myself in a position where I’m forced to let go. It’s painful. I’m terrified, paralyzed by my own inability to cope. I apologize because I’m the strong one and the strong one doesn’t break down, but I’m broken.
This weekend, out of sheer exhausting and desperation, I called my mom and she told me something that stuck (if you knew my mom your jaw would be on the floor right now).
She said that I’ve always been deeply emotional. Over the years I’ve learned how to manage those feelings (almost too well) but they are essential to my creativity and personality. Her concern for me has always been that I would lose this gift through hurt, bitterness and fear.
She’s right, but what mom doesn’t realize is her fear is unwarranted, which means my own fear of being permanently broken is unwarranted.
No, I am not Iron-woman strong, but I do have choices. I can wake up every day and start fresh. I can find my strength not from some super power, but from the parts of me that are vulnerable, beautiful and honest. This is who I am, I just needed a gentle, drop-kick reminder from the universe.